If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
