Pappa wants mamma naked
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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