he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
