hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
