a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's official drugs can't kill me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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