i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
