I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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