You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize