I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
