Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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