i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize