the condom got lost in my hair
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
