Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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