someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
