I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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