after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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