your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize