dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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