I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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