did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
