How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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