I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
