if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
