In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
