the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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