Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
