My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize