Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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