I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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