Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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