remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
