how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
