Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
