he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
