my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
