i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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