Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize