I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
