My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
