I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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