I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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