Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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