My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
