the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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