Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Mom said you looked used
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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