yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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