It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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