Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
