Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
