Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
