I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
