I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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