Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
