You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
