I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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