It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
