Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
