ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
