I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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