my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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